Happy flippin' birthday to me

Tomorrow is my birthday. The Leo in me (yes, in some books I am a cusp Leo. And anyone who knows me knows that I am a Leo.) waits for this day like it's Christmas. Only it's better than Christmas simply because there is no snow on the ground. Summer is winding down but there are still a few magical days and mystical nights left before September rolls in with school, cool mornings and chilly nights. I love this time of year, it's like beginning all over again. Fresher, wiser, happier. I am not sure if I feel this because it is my birthday and I am starting a new year or if it comes from when I was still in the days of shopping for back to school supplies. Never the less, it is the beginning of my favourite time of year, fall. The colours are everywhere and I feel like I am inside a painting.

I always felt my birthday was extra special because I share it with my mom. 35 years ago tomorrow I arrived 1 day early (after a 2 hour labour!) to be my mom's 38th birthday present. We have always celebrated our birthdays together. When I was little, I wasn't really aware it was her birthday. I always thought that my birthday was during the day and hers was at night. As I got older I saw our shared birthday not as a lucky coincidence but as further proof that I was hers. I belonged to her. Although it was well known that I was born on her birthday, I always felt like she and I shared some special secret between us.

This is my fourth birthday without her and each year brings the same melancholy feeling. I think that this day is harder for me than the anniversary of her death. For on this day, more than any other, I feel her absence. She is missing from life in so many ways. As I came into motherhood, as I wait for this little one to arrive. As I quit the job she hated so much and began down the path she so desperately wanted to go down with us (SAHM). The million times a day I still think, "I really have to tell mom....". But I am getting used to those days. I don't really cry anymore on those days. I miss her but she brings a smile to my face. But on this day, the day to celebrate our beginnings, I can really feel our ending. Like our secret is gone.

I have a great family and great friends that make this day a little better. My amazing husband has arranged for a babysitter and is whisking me away for a romantic dinner. One of my best friends is having us over the next day for a little dinner party with just our families. I am truly thankful for all the blessing that I have. I am so lucky to have found Jaimie. We are so blessed to be Amelia's parents.

However, only for this day, I am sad for what I don't have anymore.