I always felt my birthday was extra special because I share it with my mom. 35 years ago tomorrow I arrived 1 day early (after a 2 hour labour!) to be my mom's 38th birthday present. We have always celebrated our birthdays together. When I was little, I wasn't really aware it was her birthday. I always thought that my birthday was during the day and hers was at night. As I got older I saw our shared birthday not as a lucky coincidence but as further proof that I was hers. I belonged to her. Although it was well known that I was born on her birthday, I always felt like she and I shared some special secret between us.
This is my fourth birthday without her and each year brings the same melancholy feeling. I think that this day is harder for me than the anniversary of her death. For on this day, more than any other, I feel her absence. She is missing from life in so many ways. As I came into motherhood, as I wait for this little one to arrive. As I quit the job she hated so much and began down the path she so desperately wanted to go down with us (SAHM). The million times a day I still think, "I really have to tell mom....". But I am getting used to those days. I don't really cry anymore on those days. I miss her but she brings a smile to my face. But on this day, the day to celebrate our beginnings, I can really feel our ending. Like our secret is gone.
I have a great family and great friends that make this day a little better. My amazing husband has arranged for a babysitter and is whisking me away for a romantic dinner. One of my best friends is having us over the next day for a little dinner party with just our families. I am truly thankful for all the blessing that I have. I am so lucky to have found Jaimie. We are so blessed to be Amelia's parents.
However, only for this day, I am sad for what I don't have anymore.


1 comment:
Oh sweetie -- I'm wiping away the tears. But oh my goodness, that picture of you as a baby could so totally be Amelia! WOW!!
I miss your Mom, too. You do her proud, yanno?
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